More light and prayer continued from my daughter’s post:
“By reason of the Restoration’s wonderful flood of light, our desire to change and improve becomes stronger. So far as our individual spiritual development is concerned, we usually know what we have to give up, what has to go.
Why then do we cling so tenaciously to those things? Such illumination brings the restlessness of incipient righteousness. And we reach a point at which we genuinely say, as did King Lamoni’s father, ‘I am willing to give away all my sins to know God.'” (see Alma 22:18)
(Neal A. Maxwell, A Wonderful Flood of Light pg 93&94)
When you repent and seek forgiveness you’ll have more light for talking with God
STORY:
(This happened April 2012 the month after the snow experience) I went to gospel doctrine and the lesson was on Enos and his wrestle in prayer.
From Hugh Nibley:
“He (Enos) was a very thoughtful young man, and he really had a conscience. The uselessness of his life was worrying him sick. He says, “And I will tell you of the wrestle which I had before God, before I received a remission of my sins.”
When you wrestle before God, that means you try to…What does a wrestler do when he starts to compete? He tries to strike a position. They have to take up a position or a stance — you decide your approach.
Suppose you have been living in the world of daily life and been completely preoccupied with trivial things (“for to be carnally minded is death” comes strongly to me all the time; carnally minded is concerned with anything related to this world.) If you think about that and then you are going to approach God, you can’t do it just cold like that. You can’t just say, ‘Hey God, listen to me; I have something to say.’
You are facing the Most High here, and you can’t put anything over on him. He can see right through you, so you had better be careful what you say. It is going to be to your great advantage to see through yourself and everything else because He is going to see through you. So you wrestle with it — you have a struggle to tear yourself loose from your preoccupations and thoughts and your petty ideas.”
(Hugh Nibley, Teachings of the Book of Mormon semester 1 lecture 25 pg. 412)
In class the question was asked — Who did Enos wrestle with?
Automatically I thought, well kind of with the Lord? Someone answered — with himself. In Nibley’s quote he talks about being honest with yourself because Heavenly Father already knows it all. I realized tonight that the Wrestle IS indeed within yourself. Owning up to and admitting the things you need to repent of isn’t easy.
After church the Bishop asked my husband and me to wait so they could give us a calling — to teach my daughter’s Sunbeam class. I was surprised, bummed-out, not excited and definitely feeling like the bishop may have missed the inspiration on it. But I also knew and felt that I could receive my own answer concerning this calling.
I knew after the gospel doctrine lesson that I needed to get on my knees and have a heartfelt conversation with Heavenly Father, also I was going to ask Him if primary was really the right place for me.
I went in my closet, shut the door, and got down on my knees. I started by thanking Heavenly Father for the things I am indeed grateful for — which is easy, there are many. I then decided if I wanted an answer about my calling I should really approach the Lord having repented of any sins. I don’t usually think of repenting as hard to do — I fall short every day — I get frustrated, even angry, sometimes I am too harsh, I could be kinder. Not hard to admit to Heavenly Father, I know I am far from perfect.
After I got my generic sins out of the way I began to feel this immense struggle within myself. The wrestle as Enos says. I thought about what else I should repent of? An internal battle arose within myself as I saw the sins which I was guilty of. I had not wanted to admit them to myself and there they were transparent for me and the Lord to see —“Please forgive me for not teaching my children about the gospel more. Please forgive me for not going to church consistently and taking my children to primary.”
The moment these pleadings escaped my lips I knew that they were true, I felt the sorrow and missed opportunities. I could have been doing so much better. Another wave of overwhelm hit me as I felt my sins being forgiven and joy burn through me, I laughed out loud. I was going to ask if HF if I should really be in primary — teaching my kids about the gospel and being accountable to show up every week! I laughed through the tears and apologized for thinking that I knew better than He.
The Lord knows what we need even before we ask.
[To be continued]
